For a lot of tweens and adolescents, their music choices are not just about personal taste but about self-discovery, autonomy and identity development. However, music is not just about the beat, it’s also about the lyrics, and those lyrics may be impacting your child’s values, behaviors and self-image.
Teenagers are smart and they are aware of what’s appropriate and what’s likely to raise their parent’s eyebrows. Whether they choose to act on the messages being pounded on their head through their headphones or not is up to them, but it’s safe to say that the more exposure your child has to sexually explicit lyrics, the harder it may be for him/her to resist temptation.
I believe we fail as parents when we lay-down the law with blanket statements such as, “stop listening to this music because I said so,” “I just don’t like your music,” or “turn that off!” and don’t go the extra mile in teaching our children how to think for themselves.
When we coach our child to develop critical thinking skills on all aspects of life, not just music selection, we gain the opportunity to instill our values and share our views in a non-shaming, intelligent and welcoming manner.
In fact, let me show you three of the top 10 most downloadable songs on iTunes as of today. Chances are high that your teenager either knows these songs or has these songs on his iPod.
Let me encourage you to look over the following music videos and go through each of the questions under the conversation starter list with your teenager. What you both discover through this process may surprise you both.
What’s the core message of this song?
How is this music video portraying women?
What does this music video say about guy/girl relationships?
What does this music video say about how a guy is supposed to think and act?
What does this music video say about sex, love, commitment, my body, my relationship with God & my relationship with others?
Ranking this music video on a 10 point scale with 0 being “this song does not match my views, my values or the direction I want for my life,” to 10 being “this song absolutely matches my views, my values and the direction I want for my life,” where would you rank it? Are you surprised by your answer? Why or why not?
Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Do you remember what it was like in the old days when attraction was communicated by a small crumpled paper note with the infamous question, “will you go out with me?” Others with a little less courage would send a messenger, typically a trusted friend, who would assess whether or not our crush was mutually interested. The world has changed. In our lifetime we’ve grown accustomed to touch screens, voice recognition software and little by little, we started exchanging face-to-face interaction for computerized interactivity.
At the turn of the century, most of our human interaction began taking place electronically via instant messenger, webcams, e-mail and texting. Websites were no longer the exclusive playground of big companies and professional webmasters but they became a regular hangout spot for regular people who could launch an online presence by simply pasting coding, using templates and creating an online persona with the exchange of some personal information. Social media trends gave birth to what is now known as online communities giving sites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter an invitation to become a integral part of today’s generation.
Electronic communication gives its users a false sense of control over relationships because the user is able to accept or decline friendship invitations, adjust privacy settings to include or exclude people and even categorize followers. Students have learned to socialize in a way where an edit button is always available and where mistakes can easily go away by simply pressing down on the delete key. With this much level of control, students find it hard to imagine that something can be out of their personal management or beyond their ability to make it go away. So they trust. And many lower their guard to the dangers and responsibilities that are inherent with digital communication.
The latest trend in teenage flirting is sending nude or semi-nude photos of themselves. They call it, Sexting, and it’s becoming a much bigger deal than what we originally thought because both boys and girls have gone wild over this exchange.
In the fall of 2008, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com commissioned TRU, a global leader in teenage and young adult research who surveyed 1,280 online respondents between the ages of 13-26. Their findings show that 20% of teenagers have sent/posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves. Furthermore, 38% of teen girls and 39% of teen boys say they have had sexually suggestive text messages or emails – originally meant for someone else—shared with them.
Let’s Talk About It I am doing extensive research on the topic of Sexting and I would like your feedback. What do you think about all of this?
1) Should parents to be held liable or should teenagers be responsible for the consequences of their actions (even receiving felony charges for distributing child pornography)?
2) Is this just another fad or is it an indication of morality levels among teenagers?
3) Should parents be aware of what their teenager is posting or would that be a violation of privacy?
After much soul searching, Tiger Woods announced an indefinite break from professional golf. This decision came after his public infidelity admission. Tiger Woods said he was “deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children.”
Why Did Tiger Cheat? I’ve written a previous post about the real truth behind the Tiger Woods scandal; yet the real question that this series of blog posts is trying to address is, what causes people to step into infidelity?We all have heard of politicians, public figures and even pastors who are struggling keeping their original vows. Some of us care. Others of us are simply curious. Affairs tend to cause the same reaction in people as a bad car accident on the side of the road. Traffic slows down, we take a quick look at the damage and we drive away feeling thankful it wasn’t us or someone we know. But what about the times that it actually happens to us or someone we care about? What causes people to fall asleep at the wheel of their relationships that the signs of infidelity get missed?
Photos (left to right) by: Newscom, Dean Kirkland/PR Photos, AFP PHOTOS/Jeff Haynes/Newscom
In her article, “Why Do Men Marry High But Cheat Low?” Susan Toepfer says: That’s the thing about the madonna/whore dichotomy: Some men may think it’s just common sense to have one kind of woman as a wife and another as a sex partner (never mind that this insults your wife and trivializes her own sexuality–if Tiger wants to confess to “personal sins,” put that one at the top of the list)…but when your mistress is so obviously on the make, even a superstar is just one guy in a whole line of bidders.
Would You Know If He/She Is Cheating?
The following behavioral signs may indicate that your partner may be unfaithful; however no one item by itself is an indicator of infidelity. Keep in mind that these signs apply to both men and women.
In my workshop, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, I discuss over thirty signs that people typically notice before discovering their partner is having an affair. However, for the sake of this blog post, I will only be discussing seven of these critical signs.
1. You have a gut feeling that something is wrong
If you are involved in a serious relationship, then remind yourself that you probably know your partner better than anybody else. These nagging feelings may not be a fabrication of your imagination. Rather, your intuition may be alerting you that there are some shifts and changes in your current relationship that you need to notice and talk about.
2. Sudden behavioral changes
Is he all of a sudden interested in getting botox to get rid of frown lines? Has your spouse recently started upgrading or changing the style of personal undergarments and paying more attention to her image (i.e. coloring her hair, new cologne, new jewelry, new car)?
3. Sexual changes
He/she wants more or less. If the changes are not the byproduct of mutual agreement or the result of open communication regarding the frequency of your sex life, then this sudden interest or disinterest may be an indicator of infidelity (of course, assuming there are no medical or psychological issues that would explain the sudden changes).
4. More time at the gym
A lot of people make New Year’s resolutions to lose some pounds. Seasonally speaking, if your partner increases his/her workout time at the gym around the holidays – don’t freak out. However, a person who is active in developing extramarital relationships is likely to have a greater interest in developing a better image.
by Kiss the Bride | Flickr Images
5. Car seat is moved
Is the position of the passenger car seat moved? If so, why? Don’t freak out just because you find a strand of hair in his car but don’t ignore it either.
6. Vague answers
Vague answers, incongruent statements and inconsistent patterns may be a signal that something may be wrong in the relationship. While people lie for many reasons, the two most common reasons are to avoid consequences and to avoid causing pain to themselves or others. People who are on the prowl often give vague answers about where they’re going or where they’ve been. By the way, if you haven’t watched the TV series, “Lie to Me” – I recommend it. It’s entertaining and you’re likely to learn something about lying patterns and body language communication (just keep in mind there is an element of fiction involved in the TV series).
by Angelica Nicole | Flickr Images
7. Snubbed at the company party
It’s possible people at her job know about the affair so they may feel uncomfortable around you – especially if she’s said negative things about you to her coworkers in order to get sympathy votes. Elizabeth Landers, co-author of The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat adds, “His colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good.”
Rather than turning the other cheek and pretending these signs (and others) aren’t there, I would encourage you to speak up and put your concerns on the table. You may find out that your intuition is either right on or way off. Either way, you’ll open lines of communication about trust and what will enable the two of you to creating an environment of safety in your relationship.
How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop // Now booking for 2010.
According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.
While I was at lunch with some friends this week, the Tiger Woods scandal came up during our conversation. Everybody at the table had their own views, thoughts, opinions and reactions to yet another wealthy, powerful, well-known public figure admitting to having an extramarital affair. LA Lakers’ superstar Kobe Bryant, former President Bill Clinton, David Letterman and former Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards are just a few names in a growing line of celebrities/politicians who have had their affairs exposed publicly.
But why do people have affairs?What type of person has affairs? What are the various forms of infidelity? What are some of the most common signs of infidelity? Most importantly, how does one recover after infidelity and what steps can be taken in order to affair proof your relationship? These are some of the questions I would like to address in upcoming blog posts.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
Noel Biderman, President of The Ashley Madison Agency®, which caters to men and women who are currently in relationships but are looking for more, boasts that over two and a half million have joined their site. The dating service even comes with an affair guarantee program. Their slogan is simple: LIFE IS SHORT, HAVE AN AFFAIR.™
Infidelity statistics
- 22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.
- 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.
- Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
- 70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses’ extramarital activity.
- 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.
- 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.
- 50 percent of Americans say President Clinton’s adultery makes his moral standard “about the same as the average married man,” according to a Time-CNN poll.
- 61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.
- 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.
Source: Associated Press
FORMS OF INFIDELITY
Infidelity can take on several different forms including emotional, sequential affairs, discrete events or serious extramarital relationships.
Emotional Infidelity
Affairs can have an element of emotional intensity and involvement without a sexual relationship. Some people call it an “office romance” where intentional flirting blurs the line between behavior that is deemed appropriate and inappropriate. Emotional infidelity has an element of self-investment that promotes closeness and the euphoric notion of forbidden specialness.
Sequential Affairs
Some people have a series of one-night stands or a series of short-term affairs. Due to the low level of emotional investment that often accompany these disposable encounters, the behavior is often rationalized as harmless. As a result, a pattern of infidelity can develop and last for several years before it is discovered.
Discrete Events
These types of affairs share some things in common with sequential affairs; however, the affair tends to be triggered by a life change and external circumstances (i.e. going to prison, serving in the military, etc). Discrete event affairs are often seen with people who travel often to the same cities. Some people report forming new relationships long distance with the understanding that the affair is limited to the event (i.e. traveling business man developing a relationship in a city where his business takes him several times a year).
Serious Extramarital Relationships
These affairs tend to be quite involved, romantic and sexual. Many times short-term affairs last longer and evolve into serious extramarital relationships that may last for years. These relationships tend to be emotionally involved and therefore its intimacy transcends the physical and sexual allure. Because these types of affairs are often meeting multiple needs on multiple levels; they tend to be the most difficult to end for some people.
According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.
Signs that a loved one may struggle with an eating disorder:
1. Skips meals or under-portions in comparison to others.
2. Boasts about eating healthy foods.
3. Holds rigid rituals and rules about eating (i.e. eats certain food groups in order or by color, won’t eat past a certain time, cuts foods into small pieces, counts bites, etc).
4. Verbalization of dissatisfaction with body image.
5. Calorie counts.
Did you know…?
1% of teenage girls and 5% of college-age women become anorexic or bulimic.
Anorexia nervosa has the highest premature fatality rate of any mental illness (Sullivan, 1995).
6. Volunteers to cook for the family in order to have more control over the condiments that go into the food.
7. Cooks for others but does not eat what is prepared.
8. Chews food and spits before swallowing.
9. Exercises rigorously and consistently, often compensating the amount of time working out based on the type of foods or amount of foods consumed. The exercise is excessive (typically more than one hour daily) and the commitment to exercise is honored even when ill, injured or in the presence of bad weather.
10. Avoids eating in front of other people and often gives excuses such as not feeling well, not being hungry or eating earlier in the day.
Did you know…?
50% of 9-year-old girls and 80% of 10-year-old-girls have dieted.
90% of high school junior and senior girls diet regularly, even though only 10% to 15% are over the weight recommended by standard height weight charts.
11. Wears baggy clothing to hide disliked body parts or hide body shape.
12. Meals seem repetitive and hold very little variation.
13. Categorizes food as safe, good or healthy versus unsafe, bad and unhealthy.
14. Secretly hoards food.
15. Reads labels and sticks primarily to low-calorie and low-fat food items.
Because of the secretiveness and shame associated with eating disorders, many cases are probably not reported. In addition, many individuals struggle with body dissatisfaction and sub-clinical disordered eating attitudes and behaviors. For example, it has been shown that 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance (Smolak, 1996).
16. Uses credit cards to buy large amounts of food items he/she considers to be forbidden or “bad” (i.e. fast food, starches, desserts and other sweets).
17. Binges (eating large amounts of food at one time).
18. Uses the bathroom immediately after meals and you notice signs of vomiting (i.e. runs the shower or hair dryer to cover vomiting sounds, excessive use of mouthwash, clogged toilets, foul smell, vomit stains, etc).
19. Consistent use of laxatives, diuretics, diet pills or weight loss products.
20. Obsesses over the media’s standards of thinness and beauty – often competing and comparing self to others.
In March 2005, NEDA contracted with Global Market Insite, Inc. (GMI), a leader in global market research, to conduct a 1,500 nationwide sample of adults in the U.S. Their findings concluded from those surveyed that four out of ten Americans either suffered or have known someone who has suffered from an eating disorder.
42% of 1st-3rd grade girls want to be thinner (Collins, 1991).
If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder or shows some of these signs, it is advisable that you seek help by a licensed mental health professional as soon as possible.
Facts and Figures provided by NEDA. For more information, please contact the National Eating Disorders Association’s Information and Referral Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or visit the website.
Professional Resource
Remuda Ranch provides inpatient and residential programs for women, girls and boys suffering from Anorexia, Bulimia, other Eating Disorders, and related issues. For additional information on Remuda programs, please contact them at 1-800-445-1900 or on the web at http://www.remudaranch.com
