Myth 01: Affairs destroy marriages.
Fact: Research shows that most couples survive the devastation of an affair and not all couples end up in divorce. In fact, couples who seek professional help during their infidelity crisis tend to experience personal and marital growth. Although the couple is often left with emotional scarring, healing is possible.
Myth #2: Disclosing all the details of the affair will help heal the relationship faster.
Fact: There is much disagreement regarding this issue among professionals in the field of marriage counseling. Some marriage therapists believe that being fully open and honest is the only way to heal the relationship. Others believe some affairs or the details surrounding the affair are best kept silent so that the couple can focus on restoring their relationship and not continue focusing on the devastation of past choices. This is a decision you will need to carefully and prayerfully consider with your own therapist. In my experience treating couples, I have found that the amount, the timing and the setting in which information is shared becomes extremely important to the over all healing process. Not paying attention to these factors can leave the couple vulnerable to extreme emotional responses that could manifest in the form of domestic violence or even murder.
Myth #3: Men have affairs because they want sex. Women have affairs because they are unhappy, lonely or emotionally neglected.
Fact: Infidelity is a choice. Period.
While it’s true that a person involved in an extramarital affair is likely to be experiencing certain vulnerabilities; it is important to remember that no one or no specific circumstances can “force” anyone to be unfaithful. Women enjoy sex just as much as men do. It may surprise you to realize that both men and women tend to look for an emotional connection – not just sexual gratification during an affair. In fact, someone once made the observation that we are the only creatures God designed to enjoy intercourse while facing each other. Let’s also keep in mind that women today are exposed to societal messages that promote a more accepting attitude towards infidelity as portrayed by TV series such as Desperate Housewives, Sex in the City and multiple others. While the media is not the culprit, research shows that the messages we are exposed to on a daily basis tend to have an influence over our views, our beliefs and most certainly our choices.
Affairs are extremely wounding experiences. My hope is that if you or someone you know is struggling with infidelity issues, that you take the first step towards healing by seeking professional help in your area.
For a list of referrals, you may consult with your insurance or visit these sites.
ARIZONA
If you are in the Scottsdale, Glendale, or North Phoenix area, then visit my page at http://www.MyBalancedLifeCounseling.com or call 623-551-4332 to schedule your visit.
Tiger Woods pauses during a news conference Friday, Feb. 19, 2010, in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. (AP Photo/Eric Gay)
How would you do stepping into the world’s largest confessional booth, looking at the camera and making a public admission of your wrongdoings?
What Tiger Woods did today was courageous. In fact, some people would say that his confessional served as the official steps No. 4 and No. 5 of the 12-step program to deal with addiction.
Step No. 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
Step No. 5: “Admitted … to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Yet, in spite of his blunt confession, ”My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before…I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated,” many people have responded by describing his speech today as choreographed and lacking in emotional sincerity. Really? Do we need a Public Figure 101 lesson here? Tiger Woods, like any other public figure, does not have the luxury of giving a 13 minute and 32 second heart-to-heart, off-the-cuff speech about his extramarital affairs! His words, mannerisms, voice inflection and facial gestures are historically recorded on the world’s most trafficked websites with play-back capabilities, translated into different languages, critiqued and dissected by millions of viewers.
I’d like to say BRAVO! Tiger Woods for 1) being wise enough to admit you needed help, 2) being willing to seek inpatient treatment, 3) admitting & staying in a 45-day length of stay program, 4) making the daily choice to struggle through your issues in a therapeutic setting and 5) addressing the public about your life process.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cesar G. Gamez holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and is a doctoral student at Arizona State University. He is the founder and director of Family Insights™ and is a sought-after speaker and workshop trainer. He is also a therapist at an inpatient treatment center for anxiety and eating disorders. You can follow Cesar on Twitter.
After much soul searching, Tiger Woods announced an indefinite break from professional golf. This decision came after his public infidelity admission. Tiger Woods said he was “deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children.”
Why Did Tiger Cheat? I’ve written a previous post about the real truth behind the Tiger Woods scandal; yet the real question that this series of blog posts is trying to address is, what causes people to step into infidelity?We all have heard of politicians, public figures and even pastors who are struggling keeping their original vows. Some of us care. Others of us are simply curious. Affairs tend to cause the same reaction in people as a bad car accident on the side of the road. Traffic slows down, we take a quick look at the damage and we drive away feeling thankful it wasn’t us or someone we know. But what about the times that it actually happens to us or someone we care about? What causes people to fall asleep at the wheel of their relationships that the signs of infidelity get missed?
Photos (left to right) by: Newscom, Dean Kirkland/PR Photos, AFP PHOTOS/Jeff Haynes/Newscom
In her article, “Why Do Men Marry High But Cheat Low?” Susan Toepfer says: That’s the thing about the madonna/whore dichotomy: Some men may think it’s just common sense to have one kind of woman as a wife and another as a sex partner (never mind that this insults your wife and trivializes her own sexuality–if Tiger wants to confess to “personal sins,” put that one at the top of the list)…but when your mistress is so obviously on the make, even a superstar is just one guy in a whole line of bidders.
Would You Know If He/She Is Cheating?
The following behavioral signs may indicate that your partner may be unfaithful; however no one item by itself is an indicator of infidelity. Keep in mind that these signs apply to both men and women.
In my workshop, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, I discuss over thirty signs that people typically notice before discovering their partner is having an affair. However, for the sake of this blog post, I will only be discussing seven of these critical signs.
1. You have a gut feeling that something is wrong
If you are involved in a serious relationship, then remind yourself that you probably know your partner better than anybody else. These nagging feelings may not be a fabrication of your imagination. Rather, your intuition may be alerting you that there are some shifts and changes in your current relationship that you need to notice and talk about.
2. Sudden behavioral changes
Is he all of a sudden interested in getting botox to get rid of frown lines? Has your spouse recently started upgrading or changing the style of personal undergarments and paying more attention to her image (i.e. coloring her hair, new cologne, new jewelry, new car)?
3. Sexual changes
He/she wants more or less. If the changes are not the byproduct of mutual agreement or the result of open communication regarding the frequency of your sex life, then this sudden interest or disinterest may be an indicator of infidelity (of course, assuming there are no medical or psychological issues that would explain the sudden changes).
4. More time at the gym
A lot of people make New Year’s resolutions to lose some pounds. Seasonally speaking, if your partner increases his/her workout time at the gym around the holidays – don’t freak out. However, a person who is active in developing extramarital relationships is likely to have a greater interest in developing a better image.
by Kiss the Bride | Flickr Images
5. Car seat is moved
Is the position of the passenger car seat moved? If so, why? Don’t freak out just because you find a strand of hair in his car but don’t ignore it either.
6. Vague answers
Vague answers, incongruent statements and inconsistent patterns may be a signal that something may be wrong in the relationship. While people lie for many reasons, the two most common reasons are to avoid consequences and to avoid causing pain to themselves or others. People who are on the prowl often give vague answers about where they’re going or where they’ve been. By the way, if you haven’t watched the TV series, “Lie to Me” – I recommend it. It’s entertaining and you’re likely to learn something about lying patterns and body language communication (just keep in mind there is an element of fiction involved in the TV series).
by Angelica Nicole | Flickr Images
7. Snubbed at the company party
It’s possible people at her job know about the affair so they may feel uncomfortable around you – especially if she’s said negative things about you to her coworkers in order to get sympathy votes. Elizabeth Landers, co-author of The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat adds, “His colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good.”
Rather than turning the other cheek and pretending these signs (and others) aren’t there, I would encourage you to speak up and put your concerns on the table. You may find out that your intuition is either right on or way off. Either way, you’ll open lines of communication about trust and what will enable the two of you to creating an environment of safety in your relationship.
How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop // Now booking for 2010.
According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.
Affairs happen. Opportunity + Vulnerability = Affair. For some people the word affair is such a fatal, final and fearful word that many opt to stick their head in the sand in spite of the blatant signs that their cheating spouse is sometimes giving. No marriage is fully immune to the devastations of an affair.
Infidelity happens for many reasons. Today, I would like to explore just a few of the most common reasons I have been given by previous clients and patients as to the reason why affairs happen.
“Generational Sin”
Our family of origin has a significant impact on the way we relate to and perceive our world. Sometimes a genogram is able to detect a pattern of infidelity among various family members in a person’s genealogy. The saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” holds much significance when it comes to infidelity – especially when discussing potential vulnerabilities in relationships.
Boredom
She may be an outdoors gal who wants to travel, hike every weekend and take dancing lessons. He may enjoy chat rooms, movies and staying in the comfort of home. An extramarital affair may supply the excitement she feels is missing in a relationship where there are significant interest differences.
Douglas Snyder, a psychologist at Texas A&M University-College Station, isn’t convinced that boredom is to blame. He says it’s a lack of closeness and passion. “People can become distant in their marriage and interpret that as boredom, but I think it’s a misnomer,” he says.
Maybe she’s been deployed to Afghanistan on a second term or he’s a driven workaholic climbing the corporate ladder. People sometimes look for outside relationships because they feel alone and disconnected from their partner. Young couples with no children seem to struggle transitioning from their flirtatious dating years to their new monogamous married roles and therefore the physical absence of a spouse may create a vulnerability.
Emotionally Unavailable
“He was a good minister but that’s what made him a terrible husband,” she said. After
being married to a Pastor for several years, she grew accustomed to the long hours and his “always being there for others.” The problem became when she realized he wasn’t always there for her. So she decided to walk away from him, his ministry and her family. People who feel their spouse is emotionally unavailable often report feelings of emptiness, insignificance, loneliness and detachment.
A different wife once shared with me that she felt her engineer husband treated their marriage like a project. Their conversations could be bulleted on a PowerPoint. “He was just interested in the facts of my day,” she said, while explaining how much she wanted him to care about the details of her heart. So she found someone who would listen, ask questions, laugh and made her feel emotionally connected.
Couples who report “pretty happy” marriages are twice as likely to have had an affair as those who have “very happy” marriages, says a study in May’s Journal of Marriage and Family. Those who report “not too happy” marriages are three times more likely than the “very happy” to report an affair, says David Atkins, associate professor of psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif.
“I just needed to know I wasn’t gay,” was Paul’s rationalization for his series of affairs. As a child, Paul was sexually molested by an older male cousin. Like many victims, he didn’t tell anybody and therefore carried the shame and guilt of the abuse for many years. Although he was heterosexual, in the back of his mind he would continue taking responsibility for the abuse and wondered if he did anything to attract attention or if he was in fact gay. So in order to prove to himself that he was heterosexual, he embarked on a journey to prove his manhood by sleeping with many women. For him, infidelity wasn’t about the sex, but rather as a response from his undealt childhood trauma.
Sexual Addiction
Sometimes affairs happen as a result of compulsive behavior. Both obsessions and distractions serve to distract away from the real problem that is bothering someone. As a result, one way to stop such obsessions and compulsions is to ask, “what am I trying to avoid facing by having to do these behaviors?” Naturally, these affairs tend to be sexually driven, involving little to no emotional investment and may be rationalized as harmless.
There are many other common reasons why affairs happen that are discussed in my How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop.
How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop
According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.
Note: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog (i.e. case studies or relationship examples) have been significantly altered and changed to protect their privacy and identity.
What Do You Think?
Give us your feedback on this post or on Twitter @cesargamez
1) How happy is happy enough to prevent extramarital temptation?
2) Do you think infidelity is truly due to boredom or something deeper?
