Family Insights Blog

Relationship Myth: If it looks good on the outside, then it must be great on the inside!

Cesar Gamez — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 07:40:18 +0000

Relationship Myth #1
If it looks good on the outside, then it must be great on the inside!
“She’s just let herself go,” said Mike during their first counseling session after the affair. Mike and Rhonda (not their real names) had been married for seven years, had three children together and it was quickly apparent that his wife’s weight gain had become a deal breaker for him. “It’s almost like she doesn’t even try anymore,” continued Mike as Rhonda sat next to him looking numb but with eyes that spoke volumes about her devastation and soul pain.

As the couple sat in the counseling office, Rhonda began to share how just a few months prior their session, Mike had been involved with a much younger and slender woman from his work. She was a woman in her mid-twenties with a carefree outlook on life and with little commitments or responsibilities that would tie her down to any type of routine. “Life was anything but mundane with her,” said Mike as he also admitted how short-lived his fantasy stayed alive. Their age, values and priorities created the rift that busted his bubble. Mike was so seduced by the external package that he wasn’t prepared to be disappointed when he opened it and saw the real woman inside.

The following sessions were intense as the couple worked hard on restoring the shattered pieces left while trusting God in bringing healing to the wounds that were created along the way. Mike and Rhonda were able to grab a hold of an important relationship truth: The grass may be greener on the other side, but happy and committed gardeners never notice.

In her book, Lies at the Altar: The Truth About Great Marriages, Dr. Robin Smith shares this advice, “If you are not marrying the soul of your partner, there will be nothing to hold you together when the façade becomes less appealing.” Because the truth about life is that people change, skin sags, bodies deteriorate and hair thins out. The unpredictability of life has a toll on our bodies when facing sickness, hardships and life altering events. None of us can outrun aging and the transformation it brings.

Mutual attraction is fundamental to a healthy relationship. By no means am I suggesting that people who dress their best, put on make-up and pamper themselves at the spa are shallow. In fact, I believe it’s important for both partners to invest in healthy and appropriate self-care practices. But when couples base their romantic thermometer on external factors without building an attachment to the soul – there is great danger ahead.

What Do/Did You Look For In a Mate?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cesar G. Gamez holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and is a doctoral student at Arizona State University. He is the founder and director of Family Insights™ and is a sought-after speaker and workshop trainer. He is also a therapist at an inpatient treatment center for anxiety and eating disorders. You can follow Cesar on Twitter.

Disclaimer: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog entry have been significantly changed to protect their privacy.

10 Things You Never Say to Your Spouse While Fighting

Cesar Gamez — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 03:36:54 +0000

I have a 50 minute commute to and from work each day. For the past several months I have been carpooling with a couple of co-workers. Our car rides tend to be interesting, enjoyable and educational. We get to talk about life, eating disorders, Axis II issues, faith and a variety of useless topics (i.e. “do you ever fart on your spouse?”). Today, I asked their views regarding marital communication. We came up with a list of things you should never say to your spouse while fighting.

10 Things You Never Say to Your Spouse While Fighting

You are just like your mother!

What do you do all day anyway?

The kids love me more.

I make more money than you.

How many times do I have to tell you…

I’ve already told you…

Pull my finger.

We married too young/too soon.

Shut up!

Silence (sometimes saying nothing is more painful than saying anything else).

What other sayings would you add to this list?

Eating Disorders Resource: Blogs

Cesar Gamez — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 10:00:37 +0000

If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, then you may find these individuals/agencies inspirational on your road to recovery. Below you will find a list of blogs I typically enjoy reading. I hope you find value in them as well.

BLOGS

BLOG: http://www.greythinking.com
This is one of my favorite eating disorders blog. This blogger does a great job of incorporating real life examples and personal reactions with wit, humor and a healthy doze of psychotherapeutic babble (which I love).

BLOG: http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com
This GÜRZE blog involves a variety of authors (both clinicians and recovering individuals). This site has a consistent stream of posts so you are likely to find something new almost every day.

BLOG: http://eatingwithyouranorexic.blogspot.com
Laura Collins is the author of “Eating With Your Anorexic” and director of F.E.A.S.T. She is a mom on a mission to dispel the myths associated with anorexia, bulimia, and other eating disorders.

Want To Recommend More Blogs?

There Is No Happily Ever After For Some Fallen Princesses

Cesar Gamez — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 12:00:35 +0000

My family is getting ready for our daughter’s birthday party this weekend. When we asked Kaitlyn to choose a party theme we knew that her answer would somehow involve: My Little Pony, Tinker Bell or make-up. She is such a girly-girl (and to my surprise, there are actual “How to Be Girly” instructional videos on YouTube. Lord, help us) so she decided to have a Princess dress-up Party.

Ironically, through the process of browsing the web for party decorations and such, I came across an outstanding Canadian photographer who re-explored our classic fairy tale stories and contrasted them to real life.

Dina Goldstein’s photo series Fallen Princesses is eye-opening, controversial and poignant.

“The ‘… happily ever after’ is replaced with a realistic outcome and addresses current issues…The project was inspired by my observation of three-year-old girls, who were developing an interest in Disney’s fairy tales. As a new mother I have been able to get a close-up look at the phenomenon of young girls fascinated with Princesses and their desire to dress up like them.

Ms. Goldstein further adds:

As a young girl, growing up abroad, I was not exposed to Fairy tales. These new discoveries lead to my fascination with the origins of Fairy tales. I explored the original brothers Grimm’s stories and found that they have very dark and sometimes gruesome aspects, many of which were changed by Disney. I began to imagine Disney’s perfect Princesses juxtaposed with real issues that were affecting women around me, such as illness, addiction and self-image issues. Read more >

What are your thoughts?

Become a fan of Dina Goldstein’s Photography.

How Do Single Parents Do It?

Cesar Gamez — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 07:25:10 +0000

Photo by D. Sharon Pruitt

I had no idea that being a single parent was this hard. Quite frankly, all of my previous beliefs did not come close to what I have been experiencing for the last seven days. Unless you are a family member or a personal friend, you may not have been aware of what’s been happening in my life for the last week, so let me catch you up to speed. Some time ago, my wife informed me that she had booked a 10-day photo shoot in Dallas/Ft. Worth. We both agreed that she would take our one-year-old on her trip and I, along with my in-laws, would be caring for our five year old since we did not want her missing too much school. Truth be told, I pictured myself having sufficient time to read, relax, go out with friends, possibly host a dinner party for coworkers or at the very least watch a couple of movies at the theater; but nothing could have prepared me for what has been really going on.

I have painfully watched my dishes and laundry piles stack up along each day. I have felt like I’ve had to choose between running a load or catching my breath. Even if I have a couple of hours to myself as my daughter watches a movie, I haven’t felt sufficiently rested to do anything by crash on the couch in exhaustion. In my mind I have become more opinionated, sarcastic, irritable, and downright a killjoy. What ever happened to fun dad? Unfortunately for my daughter, she has only been able to enjoy a few minutes of my true self before her daddy has to recharge his batteries. She is seeing the boring, negative, overwhelmed side of me that she does not typically get to see.

“Come on Cesar, aren’t you being overdramatic? Do you not help your wife around the house?” Not enough! I am an invested father and husband, but I am quickly recognizing that my level of involvement around the house has been insufficient. I have no idea how my wife cares for both of my children, is attentive to her marriage, cooks, cleans and runs a successful photography business.

When my wife returns home she and I will be sitting down to have a heart to heart conversation about specific ways I can ease her load. This whole experience has not only caused me to soul search and reevaluate my priorities; but it has also made me wonder how do single parents do it? For me, I know this experience will soon pass when my wife returns home and we can reevaluate house chores, but what about when there is no other spouse? How do single parents manage to care for their children, attend to other priorities and have enough courage and energy to continue doing life with little or no outside help? How do you make it work?