For a lot of tweens and adolescents, their music choices are not just about personal taste but about self-discovery, autonomy and identity development. However, music is not just about the beat, it’s also about the lyrics, and those lyrics may be impacting your child’s values, behaviors and self-image.

Teenagers are smart and they are aware of what’s appropriate and what’s likely to raise their parent’s eyebrows. Whether they choose to act on the messages being pounded on their head through their headphones or not is up to them, but it’s safe to say that the more exposure your child has to sexually explicit lyrics, the harder it may be for him/her to resist temptation.

I believe we fail as parents when we lay-down the law with blanket statements such as, “stop listening to this music because I said so,” “I just don’t like your music,” or “turn that off!” and don’t go the extra mile in teaching our children how to think for themselves.

When we coach our child to develop critical thinking skills on all aspects of life, not just music selection, we gain the opportunity to instill our values and share our views in a non-shaming, intelligent and welcoming manner.

In fact, let me show you three of the top 10 most downloadable songs on iTunes as of today. Chances are high that your teenager either knows these songs or has these songs on his iPod.

Let me encourage you to look over the following music videos and go through each of the questions under the conversation starter list with your teenager.  What you both discover through this process may surprise you both.

• What’s the core message of this song?
• How is this music video portraying women?
• What does this music video say about guy/girl relationships?
• What does this music video say about how a guy is supposed to think and act?
• What does this music video say about sex, love, commitment, my body, my relationship with God & my relationship with others?
• Ranking this music video on a 10 point scale with 0 being “this song does not match my views, my values or the direction I want for my life,” to 10 being “this song absolutely matches my views, my values and the direction I want for my life,” where would you rank it? Are you surprised by your answer? Why or why not?

By now, it’s safe to say that your child is back into the swing of school.  Within less than a week from the beginning of a new academic year; I was asked a question that inspired this post: “What if I don’t like my teenager’s friends?”

“What if he picks up bad habits like drinking, smoking ciggs or pot?!”

“If she starts dressing like her friends, then she’ll get a reputation and she’ll attract boys that are only after one thing.”

“What if those friends bring him down?”

“What if those girls end up being a distraction and a bad influence?”

Does that sound familiar?

I get it.  I’m also a parent.  My first-grader (who is far from perfect but who is still nonetheless daddy’s little girl) often times challenges us to resharpen our parenting skills.  She comes home attempting new behaviors that she mimics from classmates.  She also quickly learns what her parents will deem cute and what’s likely to get her in trouble.

The truth is that you can’t decide who your child becomes friends with; however, you can impact your child’s decisions by teaching him values and also by monitoring his social circle. Birds of a feather may flock together but they don’t necessarily have to do so without your knowledge and your influence.

Have you clearly communicated to your children your family rules and guidelines about friendship and social activities?  Here is a helpful list of important conversation starters to consider using when defining your own family’s expectations.

• List the important qualities you value in a friend.
• What have you done to maintain friendships over the years?
• What things do you admire in close family friends?
• Is it okay to have friends that have a different cultural background, ethnicity, religious views, financial status or sexual orientation?  Why or why not?
• How much freedom will your children have as they get older?  Will curfew stay the same or will it change at some point?
• Are your friends likely to help you or hurt you spiritually?
• What’s your family’s strategy should a friendship become toxic?
• Are there any special rules for friends who are of the opposite sex?
• How much time will be deemed appropriate to spend nurturing friendships both online and offline?

So I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this topic.  What’s working for you when it comes to helping your teenager make wise choices regarding friendships?

image credit: copyright ©2009 sam javanrouh