Recovery Strategy #04: Play Offense
Have you ever talked to a battered woman? I have. Her eyes held a mixture of anger, grief, sadness and an adequate recognition regarding the depth of her hurt. “He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me,” she shared with me. During this time in my life, I was working in Texas as a family interventionist and I would frequently make on-site visits if my clients were not able to come to my office. So I met Michelle* at a women’s shelter in downtown Fort Worth. Her story was filled with abuse, objectification, disrespect in trauma. Her eyes were sad. Her arms still bore bruises from her boyfriend’s latest anger episode. When I asked her, “Michelle, why did you stay so long? What kept you in this abusive relationship all these years?” She looked at me and said, “because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought if I left, I would’ve had to get a job and raise the kids by myself. I have been so afraid to leave because he would hurt me more if I did.”
In many ways, addictions resemble a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. Many people develop such an enmeshed relationship with their addiction of choice (food, alcohol, prescription medication, sex, drugs) that it literally becomes an invisible and influential entity in their life. The addiction is seductive and on its good days promises safety, security, comfort, belonging, control and an easy escape. On its bad days it is shaming, degrading, abusive and traumatic. I have seen some of the most honest people engage in some of the most dishonest behaviors. Addictions have a tendency of changing a person’s view, values and worth. Addictions can change a person’s conduct and convictions.
Playing offense in recovery means taking off your denying, self-enabling glasses and staring into the face of your addiction. It means looking at the costs of continuing ineffective behaviors verses the payoff that it promises.
Playing offense in recovery means going beyond behavior modification and stepping into the reality that you may already have sufficient resources to create the type of life you really want. It means going one step beyond recovery and initiating the process of reclaiming your life, your needs and your wants.
NFL offensive players assess opportunities and seize them. Sometimes they run the ball. Sometimes they punt. Sometimes they see an opening to make a long pass. They understand the value of moving the ball forward whether it be 10 years or 1 yard.
Copyright © 2010 Flickr| Carlos Saavedra
Spiritual Integration
After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked. John 5:1-9a ESVCan you imagine what it must have been like for this man to suffer with paralysis for 38 years? Jesus comes up to him asking a poignant recovery question, “Do You Want To Be Healed?”
Why would Jesus ask that?
It wasn’t that the man didn’t have faith (or enough faith). He trusted enough to be near the pool. He seemed to be hoping for a miracle.
It wasn’t that the man didn’t try. The story talks about the man’s attempts.What would it be like to be so close to healing and yet be so far away from change?
Notice what Jesus told him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” In other words, Jesus was saying to this man: Trust me to do the impossible and commit to doing the possible. I believe this story reminds us that recovery often times necessitates a partnership where we trust God (Higher Power) to do the impossible while we commit to move the recovery journey forward with daily commitments and challenges.
- How do you see your daily recovery journey?
- How do you handle “baby steps” days?
- Are you attempting recovery from a place of stagnation or strategy?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cesar G. Gamez holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and is a doctoral student at Arizona State University. He is the founder and director of Family Insights™ and is a sought-after speaker and workshop trainer. He is also a therapist at an inpatient treatment center for anxiety and eating disorders. You can follow Cesar on Twitter.
Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Photo credit: Sports of Boston
* Disclaimer: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog (i.e. case studies or relationship examples) have been significantly altered and changed to protect their privacy and identity.
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thanks for the post.
you are so right about the 'relationship" to drugs being simialar to an abusive relationship with a partner. You get so tied in you can't think how to live without it, and you still hope for that occasional feeling of ectasy.
Thank you for your post. I really like your reference to moving the ball forward. Getting caught in “the devastation trap” is easy to do. Since much of the abuse suffered usually causes feelings of helplessness, victims have a hard time overcoming obstacles. Moving the ball forward takes a certain amount of confidence. This needs to be restored before moving forward is possible. Thanks again for your insights.