Have you ever talked to a battered woman? I have. Her eyes held a mixture of anger, grief, sadness and an adequate recognition regarding the depth of her hurt. “He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me,” she shared with me. During this time in my life, I was working in Texas as a family interventionist and I would frequently make on-site visits if my clients were not able to come to my office. So I met Michelle* at a women’s shelter in downtown Fort Worth. Her story was filled with abuse, objectification, disrespect in trauma. Her eyes were sad. Her arms still bore bruises from her boyfriend’s latest anger episode. When I asked her, “Michelle, why did you stay so long? What kept you in this abusive relationship all these years?” She looked at me and said, “because I didn’t want to be alone. I thought if I left, I would’ve had to get a job and raise the kids by myself. I have been so afraid to leave because he would hurt me more if I did.”

In many ways, addictions resemble a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. Many people develop such an enmeshed relationship with their addiction of choice (food, alcohol, prescription medication, sex, drugs) that it literally becomes an invisible and influential entity in their life. The addiction is seductive and on its good days promises safety, security, comfort, belonging, control and an easy escape. On its bad days it is shaming, degrading, abusive and traumatic. I have seen some of the most honest people engage in some of the most dishonest behaviors. Addictions have a tendency of changing a person’s view, values and worth. Addictions can change a person’s conduct and convictions.

Playing offense in recovery means taking off your denying, self-enabling glasses and staring into the face of your addiction. It means looking at the costs of continuing ineffective behaviors verses the payoff that it promises.

Playing offense in recovery means going beyond behavior modification and stepping into the reality that you may already have sufficient resources to create the type of life you really want. It means going one step beyond recovery and initiating the process of reclaiming your life, your needs and your wants.

NFL offensive players assess opportunities and seize them. Sometimes they run the ball. Sometimes they punt. Sometimes they see an opening to make a long pass. They understand the value of moving the ball forward whether it be 10 years or 1 yard.

Copyright © 2010 Flickr| Carlos Saavedra

Spiritual Integration
After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?” The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.  John 5:1-9a ESV

Can you imagine what it must have been like for this man to suffer with paralysis for 38 years? Jesus comes up to him asking a poignant recovery question, “Do You Want To Be Healed?”

Why would Jesus ask that?
It wasn’t that the man didn’t have faith (or enough faith). He trusted enough to be near the pool. He seemed to be hoping for a miracle.
It wasn’t that the man didn’t try. The story talks about the man’s attempts.

What would it be like to be so close to healing and yet be so far away from change?

Notice what Jesus told him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” In other words, Jesus was saying to this man: Trust me to do the impossible and commit to doing the possible. I believe this story reminds us that recovery often times necessitates a partnership where we trust God (Higher Power) to do the impossible while we commit to move the recovery journey forward with daily commitments and challenges.

• How do you see your daily recovery journey?
• How do you handle “baby steps” days?
• Are you attempting recovery from a place of stagnation or strategy?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cesar G. Gamez holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and is a doctoral student at Arizona State University. He is the founder and director of Family Insights™ and is a sought-after speaker and workshop trainer. He is also a therapist at an inpatient treatment center for anxiety and eating disorders. You can follow Cesar on Twitter.

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Photo credit: Sports of Boston
* Disclaimer: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog (i.e. case studies or relationship examples) have been significantly altered and changed to protect their privacy and identity.

How well do you know your neighbors?

My wife and I went on a movie date last night (thanks mom & dad for watching the kids). We watched a preview for a movie called, The Lovely Bones. I haven’t seen the movie yet but it caused me to reflect about the importance of keeping kids safe from the many dangers that exist in this world. My heart and prayers always goes out to parents whose children have been the victims of kidnapping, rape and murder. It’s a pain that no parent should experience and yet we accept it as a part of living in a very fallen world.   The Lovely Bones is a good reminder for all parents on how sexual predators can endanger the safety of our children.

Let me tell you about Susie Salmon and the thousands of children her story represents.

On her way home from school on a snowy December day in 1973, 14-year-old Susie Salmon (“like the fish”) is lured into a makeshift underground den in a cornfield and brutally raped and murdered, the latest victim of a serial killer–the man she knew as her neighbor, Mr. Harvey.  Amazon.com

December 6, 1973, the day Susie Salmon was murdered.

In my popular blog post, TEN SEXUAL PREDATOR WARNING SIGNS, I talk about the importance for parents to remember that while there are some common characteristics among sexual predators, pedophilia does not discriminate by race, gender, age, class or religious affiliation.

In fact, the information on this post and other entries that have been a part of this series caused me to create a two-hour workshop on PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM SEXUAL PREDATORS.

Over the years, I’ve been asking myself some of these questions…

• How can parents, concerned with their children’s safety, avoid early sexualization by these explicitly graphic pornographic websites?
• What can parents do to safeguard their children from the free and readily available cybersex smut?
• How can parents/caregivers protect their children from sexual predators?

The result of asking those questions gave birth to this workshop. If you, your church or school group are interested in bringing me to speak to your group, then be sure to contact me either via this blog or by completing a BOOKING REQUEST FORM.

Sex offenders watch lists that you may want to visit.

Family Watch Dog
Free national US search for registered sex offenders. Map registered sex offenders to see who lives in your area.

Map Sex Offenders
Map Sex Offenders in your local area and neighborhood. Search for and find registered sexual predators in this free national registry.

Criminal Check
CriminalCheck.com is the only FREE National Sex Offender database site on the web that searches all states (and the District of Columbia) with one-click.

Sexual Offenders Registry
Search state or county sex offender databases.  This site also offers news and articles.

United States Department of Justice
The Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Website (NSOPW), coordinated by the U.S. Department of Justice, is a cooperative effort between Jurisdictions hosting public sex offender registries (“Jurisdictions”) and the federal government.

• How do you teach your children about stranger danger?
• In what ways are you teaching your kids about how to talk to strangers or the level of trust they give someone they know and trust?

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Cesar G. Gamez holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling and is a doctoral student at Arizona State University. He is the founder and director of Family Insights™ and is a sought-after speaker and workshop trainer. He is also a therapist at an inpatient treatment center for anxiety and eating disorders. You can follow Cesar on Twitter.

What my wife thinks matters to me. When I got home from work yesterday she confided in me that talking about football lost her interest in my blog series. “It’s not about football. It’s about addiction.” I replied in a rather defensive tone of voice. Let’s face it, not everybody likes football. So I am accepting the fact that probably some of my readers (including my wife) may not be too thrilled about reading my NFL strategies for addiction. On the other hand, I have appreciated the comments on my facebook, and twitter from some of my other readers that are enjoying this series.

I hope you hang in there through these posts because I’m not just talking to those who struggle with addictions but also to those of you who live, love and want to help an addict.

Strategy #3: Learn to Play Defense

Life happens. We lose our jobs. We see our close friends move away. We watch our parents divorce or struggle through the impact of an affair. Our college application gets denied. Relationships end. We get sick or diagnosed with a medical illness. Life happens.

While we cannot control what happens to us, we have a lot of power over what happens in us. It’s been my experience that when life’s storms come our way we tend to either tap into our resources (faith, family, values, etc) or we erect walls that protects us from further danger and hurt. Unfortunately for us, in the process of seeking an escape route, rather than inviting people in to help us, we end up pushing everybody out.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that in each of us there is a potential for creativity or self-destruction. Playing defense against your addiction will necessitate your deliberate choice to tap into your potential for creativity.

Successful football teams develop strategies to guard their vulnerabilities and weak spots. They are aware of when the opposing team is likely to kick, make a long pass or simply run the ball. What would you discover if you asked yourself, “when, where and with whom am I most vulnerable to give in to my addiction?” The answer to that question is likely to equip you with the knowledge you need to develop a good defensive plan.

You’ll want to pay attention to your H.A.L.T. Because in a previous post I’ve written about H.A.L.T. vulnerabilities, I will not be expanding much on that concept here but I want to encourage you to develop the habit of checking-in with yourself multiple times a day.

Copyright © ShoreShot Photography 2008

What does a defense strategy look like for you?
For some, it may mean throwing away the scale or skinny jeans if you know these will cause you to obsess over your weight. For others it may mean declining invitations to parties and social gatherings that might make drinking alcohol a temptation. Still some may find that taking deep breaths before getting angry, getting enough sleep or socializing on a consistent basis may help reduce urges and triggers to give in to the addiction.

Spiritual Integration
What does the Bible say about this concept?

God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him. Be on your guard and stay awake. Your enemy, the devil, is like a roaring lion, sneaking around to find someone to attack. But you must resist the devil and stay strong in your faith. You know that all over the world the Lord’s followers are suffering just as you are.
I Peter 5:7-9 CEV

These passages challenge Christians to trust God to do the impossible while committing to doing their part in resisting temptation and avoiding pitfalls. Many Christians pray that God takes away their addiction, heals their wounds miraculously and takes away the pain. While God may choose to do that, He often invites us into the process of healing. That process requires surrounding control while making strategic steps towards living the kind of life we want.

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Photo credit: Copyright © ShoreShot Photography 2008

The answer to the question, “How Far Can I Go In Recovery?” is up to you.  If you or someone you love struggles with an addiction to food, sex, shopping or substances, then this blog series is intended to give you a different perspective on winning recovery strategies.

Last Sunday I went to my first NFL game and the experience was well beyond my expectations.  However, as I reflected on my experience the following day, I felt the need to write some personal observations about the many parallels I see between winning football teams and those who are winning at recovery.

Strategy #2 Gear up

Winning football teams understand the value of gearing up.  It’s not enough to wear a jersey identifying a player with a team.  It’s not enough that each player has “sufficient skills” to face the opposing team.  Long before a player sets foot on the turf, each player engages in a methodical process that ensures both his safety and security out on the field. Mouthguards, shoulder pads and helmets are properly placed in anticipation of the fight that lies ahead.  Successful football teams know they cannot afford to leave anything up to chance.

The same can be said about those wanting freedom from the bondage of an addiction.  Rather than leaving the outcome of a recovery attempt to chance, decisions will need to be made to honor and protect any recovery efforts no matter how big or small they may be.  Because successful recoveries are rooted in the ability to turn adversity into advantage, it is vital that you prepare for potential triggers and vulnerabilities long before they happen.

© Flickr photo by Mozzie71

“How do I gear up for the recovery journey?” you might ask. The answer is different for everyone.  Some people may need to protect themselves from harmful relationships that hinder the seeds of recovery.  Others might need to challenge the tendency to avoid conflict, caretake for others at the expense of their own needs or speak the truth in love.  Some might need to arm themselves with positive affirmations or truth statements before going to the grocery store or accepting an opportunity to socialize with friends.

The pessimist complains about the wind.
The optimist hopes things will eventually change for the better.
The recovery-minded person adjust the sails.

Adjusting the sails will take work on your part.  It may mean that you are no longer willing to continue doing recovery in a reactive manner (simply responding to triggers, urges and vulnerabilities) but that you recognize the need to become more proactive about ensuring the safety and security of your recovery goals and growth.

Spiritual Integration
What does the Bible say about this concept?

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
Ephesians 6:10-18a ESV

In this passage, the apostle Paul talks about the need for Christians to prepare themselves for spiritual warfare much like a fully armored soldier would prepare for war (of football player for a game).  Consider interviewing your minister, pastor or faith mentor about what each of the armor pieces represent and how any of them can be a part of your recovery gear.

Copyright © 2009  Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Cover photo credit: © Flickr.com images by disneymike from Michael Fletcher Photography

My good friend Rob and I got a great deal on some Arizona Cardinals tickets for last Sunday’s game against the Greenbay Packers. If you missed the game, then you missed one heck of a game.

This was my first time at the University of Phoenix stadium and my first time at an NFL game. I was not disappointed in the least bit. After the game, I started reflecting on how the process of recovery carries some similarities to the strategies involved in winning a football game. Given that this football season is about to end and the playoffs are only going to get more interesting; I have decided to write a ten-part series on these important recovery strategies.

If you or someone you know struggles with an addiction to food, alcohol, drugs, sex (or whatever else), then I hope this blog series challenges you to look at the recovery process in a different light.

Strategy #1: Join the Team

In order to win at recovery, you have to make up your mind (sometimes daily) and choose to play either for the relapse team or the recovery team. It’s tough to win at recovery when ambivalence has you scoring at both ends of the field.

I have worked with many eating disorder patients who come into inpatient treatment feeling exhausted by their attempts to manage an eating disorder. Yet, an addiction is not something that’s manageable, trainable or tamed. Most addicts admit that while the addiction gives a promise of control, the individual actually ends up having less and less personal control. One of the biggest lies of an addiction is that you can control it, manage it or walk away from it at any given point.

Unknowingly, sometimes family members end up accommodating the addiction by learning to live with ineffective behaviors at home. “If she’s gonna binge, then I’d rather her do it at home where I’ll know she’s safe,” or “If you’re gonna drink and get high, then I’d rather you do it at home so that you don’t risk getting arrested for a DUI.” While these type of rationalizations seem to make sense for some people on the surface, these types of enabling statements keep both the addict and the family stuck in the ambivalence cycle and thus never really get ahead in the recovery process.

At some point, the line must be drawn in the sand. At some point, the addiction must become unacceptable if the addict is going to fight for him/herself.  This isn’t to say that the recovery journey won’t be messy – because it is.  This isn’t to say that once you decide to fight for your recovery that there will not be slips, falls or fumbles along the way – because there will be. 

However, if you are still playing for both the recovery and the relapse team, then I want to encourage you to pick a team.  In my experience, as long as you keep scoring at both ends of the field, you are likely to never fully experience the type of progress and success in treatment or recovery that you are hoping to see.

Spiritual Integration
What does the Bible say about this concept?

No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other… Matthew 6:24 ESV

The word serve indicates the work of a slave who is the sole property of one master.  While in context this verse is talking about serving God or money, the same inner struggle occurs when a person’s loyalties are divided between relapse and recovery.

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.