Cheaters: Why Affairs Happen
Affairs happen. Opportunity + Vulnerability = Affair. For some people the word affair is such a fatal, final and fearful word that many opt to stick their head in the sand in spite of the blatant signs that their cheating spouse is sometimes giving. No marriage is fully immune to the devastations of an affair.
Infidelity happens for many reasons. Today, I would like to explore just a few of the most common reasons I have been given by previous clients and patients as to the reason why affairs happen.
“Generational Sin”
Our family of origin has a significant impact on the way we relate to and perceive our world. Sometimes a genogram is able to detect a pattern of infidelity among various family members in a person’s genealogy. The saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” holds much significance when it comes to infidelity – especially when discussing potential vulnerabilities in relationships.
Boredom
She may be an outdoors gal who wants to travel, hike every weekend and take dancing lessons. He may enjoy chat rooms, movies and staying in the comfort of home. An extramarital affair may supply the excitement she feels is missing in a relationship where there are significant interest differences.
Douglas Snyder, a psychologist at Texas A&M University-College Station, isn’t convinced that boredom is to blame. He says it’s a lack of closeness and passion. “People can become distant in their marriage and interpret that as boredom, but I think it’s a misnomer,” he says.
Source: USA Today
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-06-30-infidelity-happiness_N.htm
Physical Absence
Maybe she’s been deployed to Afghanistan on a second term or he’s a driven workaholic climbing the corporate ladder. People sometimes look for outside relationships because they feel alone and disconnected from their partner. Young couples with no children seem to struggle transitioning from their flirtatious dating years to their new monogamous married roles and therefore the physical absence of a spouse may create a vulnerability.
Emotionally Unavailable
“He was a good minister but that’s what made him a terrible husband,” she said. After
being married to a Pastor for several years, she grew accustomed to the long hours and his “always being there for others.” The problem became when she realized he wasn’t always there for her. So she decided to walk away from him, his ministry and her family. People who feel their spouse is emotionally unavailable often report feelings of emptiness, insignificance, loneliness and detachment.
A different wife once shared with me that she felt her engineer husband treated their marriage like a project. Their conversations could be bulleted on a PowerPoint. “He was just interested in the facts of my day,” she said, while explaining how much she wanted him to care about the details of her heart. So she found someone who would listen, ask questions, laugh and made her feel emotionally connected.
Couples who report “pretty happy” marriages are twice as likely to have had an affair as those who have “very happy” marriages, says a study in May’s Journal of Marriage and Family. Those who report “not too happy” marriages are three times more likely than the “very happy” to report an affair, says David Atkins, associate professor of psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif.
Source: USA Today
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-06-30-infidelity-happiness_N.htm
Trauma
“I just needed to know I wasn’t gay,” was Paul’s rationalization for his series of affairs. As a child, Paul was sexually molested by an older male cousin. Like many victims, he didn’t tell anybody and therefore carried the shame and guilt of the abuse for many years. Although he was heterosexual, in the back of his mind he would continue taking responsibility for the abuse and wondered if he did anything to attract attention or if he was in fact gay. So in order to prove to himself that he was heterosexual, he embarked on a journey to prove his manhood by sleeping with many women. For him, infidelity wasn’t about the sex, but rather as a response from his undealt childhood trauma.
Sexual Addiction
Sometimes affairs happen as a result of compulsive behavior. Both obsessions and distractions serve to distract away from the real problem that is bothering someone. As a result, one way to stop such obsessions and compulsions is to ask, “what am I trying to avoid facing by having to do these behaviors?” Naturally, these affairs tend to be sexually driven, involving little to no emotional investment and may be rationalized as harmless.
There are many other common reasons why affairs happen that are discussed in my How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop.
How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop
According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.
For additional booking information, please contact our office.
Next blog post: Signs of Infidelity
Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
Note: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog (i.e. case studies or relationship examples) have been significantly altered and changed to protect their privacy and identity.
What Do You Think?
Give us your feedback on this post or on Twitter @cesargamez
1) How happy is happy enough to prevent extramarital temptation?
2) Do you think infidelity is truly due to boredom or something deeper?
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Great advice you’re talking about it so the rest of us is able to know! Definitely will keep in mind. Also, what I finally figured out is, you got to nurture the situation that first brought you together and also stop doing a lot of bad choices we all make naturally if you want to save the marriage