Boy meets girl.  Girl likes boy.  Do you remember what it was like in the old days when attraction was communicated by a small crumpled paper note with the infamous question, “will you go out with me?”  Others with a little less courage would send a messenger, typically a trusted friend, who would assess whether or not our crush was mutually interested.  The world has changed.  In our lifetime we’ve grown accustomed to touch screens, voice recognition software and little by little, we started exchanging face-to-face interaction for computerized interactivity.

At the turn of the century, most of our human interaction began taking place electronically via instant messenger, webcams, e-mail and texting.  Websites were no longer the exclusive playground of big companies and professional webmasters but they became a regular hangout spot for regular people who could launch an online presence by simply pasting coding, using templates and creating an online persona with the exchange of some personal information.  Social media trends gave birth to what is now known as online communities giving sites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter an invitation to become a integral part of today’s generation.

Electronic communication gives its users a false sense of control over relationships because the user is able to accept or decline friendship invitations, adjust privacy settings to include or exclude people and even categorize followers.  Students have learned to socialize in a way where an edit button is always available and where mistakes can easily go away by simply pressing down on the delete key.  With this much level of control, students find it hard to imagine that something can be out of their personal management or beyond their ability to make it go away.  So they trust.  And many lower their guard to the dangers and responsibilities that are inherent with digital communication.

The latest trend in teenage flirting is sending nude or semi-nude photos of themselves. They call it, Sexting, and it’s becoming a much bigger deal than what we originally thought because both boys and girls have gone wild over this exchange.

In the fall of 2008, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and CosmoGirl.com commissioned TRU, a global leader in teenage and young adult research who surveyed 1,280 online respondents between the ages of 13-26.  Their findings show that 20% of teenagers have sent/posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves.  Furthermore, 38% of teen girls and 39% of teen boys say they have had sexually suggestive text messages or emails – originally meant for someone else—shared with them.

© Ken Bank | Flickr images by kiwanja

Let’s Talk About It
I am doing extensive research on the topic of Sexting and I would like your feedback.  What do you think about all of this?

1) Should parents to be held liable or should teenagers be responsible for the consequences of their actions (even receiving felony charges for distributing child pornography)?

2) Is this just another fad or is it an indication of morality levels among teenagers?

3) Should parents be aware of what their teenager is posting or would that be a violation of privacy?

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

After much soul searching, Tiger Woods announced an indefinite break from professional golf.  This decision came after his public infidelity admission.  Tiger Woods said he was “deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children.”

Why Did Tiger Cheat? I’ve written a previous post about the real truth behind the Tiger Woods scandal; yet the real question that this series of blog posts is trying to address is, what causes people to step into infidelity? We all have heard of politicians, public figures and even pastors who are struggling keeping their original vows.  Some of us care.  Others of us are simply curious.  Affairs tend to cause the same reaction in people as a bad car accident on the side of the road.  Traffic slows down, we take a quick look at the damage and we drive away feeling thankful it wasn’t us or someone we know.  But what about the times that it actually happens to us or someone we care about?  What causes people to fall asleep at the wheel of their relationships that the signs of infidelity get missed?

Picture: Triple bogey: (left to right) alleged mistress Jaimee Grubbs, Tiger Woods, Elin Nordegren

Photos (left to right) by: Newscom, Dean Kirkland/PR Photos, AFP PHOTOS/Jeff Haynes/Newscom

In her article, “Why Do Men Marry High But Cheat Low?” Susan Toepfer says: That’s the thing about the madonna/whore dichotomy: Some men may think it’s just common sense to have one kind of woman as a wife and another as a sex partner (never mind that this insults your wife and trivializes her own sexuality–if Tiger wants to confess to “personal sins,” put that one at the top of the list)…but when your mistress is so obviously on the make, even a superstar is just one guy in a whole line of bidders.

Would You Know If He/She Is Cheating?

The following behavioral signs may indicate that your partner may be unfaithful; however no one item by itself is an indicator of infidelity.  Keep in mind that these signs apply to both men and women.

In my workshop, How to Affair Proof Your Marriage, I discuss over thirty signs that people typically notice before discovering their partner is having an affair.  However, for the sake of this blog post, I will only be discussing seven of these critical signs.

1. You have a gut feeling that something is wrong

If you are involved in a serious relationship, then remind yourself that you probably know your partner better than anybody else.  These nagging feelings may not be a fabrication of your imagination.  Rather, your intuition may be alerting you that there are some shifts and changes in your current relationship that you need to notice and talk about.

2. Sudden behavioral changes

Is he all of a sudden interested in getting botox to get rid of frown lines? Has your spouse recently started upgrading or changing the style of personal undergarments and paying more attention to her image (i.e. coloring her hair, new cologne, new jewelry, new car)?

3. Sexual changes

He/she wants more or less.  If the changes are not the byproduct of mutual agreement or the result of open communication regarding the frequency of your sex life, then this sudden interest or disinterest may be an indicator of infidelity (of course, assuming there are no medical or psychological issues that would explain the sudden changes).

4. More time at the gym

A lot of people make New Year’s resolutions to lose some pounds.  Seasonally speaking, if your partner increases his/her workout time at the gym around the holidays – don’t freak out.  However, a person who is active in developing extramarital relationships is likely to have a greater interest in developing a better image.

by Kiss the Bride | Flickr Images

5. Car seat is moved

Is the position of the passenger car seat moved?  If so, why?  Don’t freak out just because you find a strand of hair in his car but don’t ignore it either.

6. Vague answers

Vague answers, incongruent statements and inconsistent patterns may be a signal that something may be wrong in the relationship.  While people lie for many reasons, the two most common reasons are to avoid consequences and to avoid causing pain to themselves or others.  People who are on the prowl often give vague answers about where they’re going or where they’ve been. By the way, if you haven’t watched the TV series, “Lie to Me” – I recommend it.  It’s entertaining and you’re likely to learn something about lying patterns and body language communication (just keep in mind there is an element of fiction involved in the TV series).

by Angelica Nicole | Flickr Images

7. Snubbed at the company party

It’s possible people at her job know about the affair so they may feel uncomfortable around you – especially if she’s said negative things about you to her coworkers in order to get sympathy votes.  Elizabeth Landers, co-author of The Script: The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat adds, “His colleagues either know about the affair and figure you are on the way out, so why be nice? Or your partner has been making critical comments about you so they think you are no good.”

Rather than turning the other cheek and pretending these signs (and others) aren’t there, I would encourage you to speak up and put your concerns on the table.  You may find out that your intuition is either right on or way off.  Either way, you’ll open lines of communication about trust and what will enable the two of you to creating an environment of safety in your relationship.

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Video

Will Ferrel as Tiger Woods

How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop // Now booking for 2010.

According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.

For additional booking information, please contact our office.

What Do You Think?

Give us your feedback on this post or on Twitter @cesargamez

1) What other signs would you add to this list?

2) If you noticed some of these signs, would you have the courage to say something to your partner?

3) What causes people to miss some of these signs?

Affairs happen.  Opportunity + Vulnerability = Affair.  For some people the word affair is such a fatal, final and fearful word that many opt to stick their head in the sand in spite of the blatant signs that their cheating spouse is sometimes giving.  No marriage is fully immune to the devastations of an affair.

Infidelity happens for many reasons.  Today, I would like to explore just a few of the most common reasons I have been given by previous clients and patients as to the reason why affairs happen.

“Generational Sin”

Our family of origin has a significant impact on the way we relate to and perceive our world.  Sometimes a genogram is able to detect a pattern of infidelity among various family members in a person’s genealogy.  The saying, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” holds much significance when it comes to infidelity – especially when discussing potential vulnerabilities in relationships.

Boredom

She may be an outdoors gal who wants to travel, hike every weekend and take dancing lessons.  He may enjoy chat rooms, movies and staying in the comfort of home.  An extramarital affair may supply the excitement she feels is missing in a relationship where there are significant interest differences.

Douglas Snyder, a psychologist at Texas A&M University-College Station, isn’t convinced that boredom is to blame. He says it’s a lack of closeness and passion. “People can become distant in their marriage and interpret that as boredom, but I think it’s a misnomer,” he says.

Source: USA Today

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-06-30-infidelity-happiness_N.htm

Physical Absence

Maybe she’s been deployed to Afghanistan on a second term or he’s a driven workaholic climbing the corporate ladder.  People sometimes look for outside relationships because they feel alone and disconnected from their partner.  Young couples with no children seem to struggle transitioning from their flirtatious dating years to their new monogamous married roles and therefore the physical absence of a spouse may create a vulnerability.

Emotionally Unavailable

“He was a good minister but that’s what made him a terrible husband,” she said.  After

being married to a Pastor for several years, she grew accustomed to the long hours and his “always being there for others.”  The problem became when she realized he wasn’t always there for her.  So she decided to walk away from him, his ministry and her family.  People who feel their spouse is emotionally unavailable often report feelings of emptiness, insignificance, loneliness and detachment.

A different wife once shared with me that she felt her engineer husband treated their marriage like a project.  Their conversations could be bulleted on a PowerPoint.  “He was just interested in the facts of my day,” she said, while explaining how much she wanted him to care about the details of her heart.  So she found someone who would listen, ask questions, laugh and made her feel emotionally connected.

Couples who report “pretty happy” marriages are twice as likely to have had an affair as those who have “very happy” marriages, says a study in May’s Journal of Marriage and Family. Those who report “not too happy” marriages are three times more likely than the “very happy” to report an affair, says David Atkins, associate professor of psychology at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif.

Source: USA Today

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-06-30-infidelity-happiness_N.htm

Trauma

“I just needed to know I wasn’t gay,” was Paul’s rationalization for his series of affairs.  As a child, Paul was sexually molested by an older male cousin.  Like many victims, he didn’t tell anybody and therefore carried the shame and guilt of the abuse for many years.  Although he was heterosexual, in the back of his mind he would continue taking responsibility for the abuse and wondered if he did anything to attract attention or if he was in fact gay.  So in order to prove to himself that he was heterosexual, he embarked on a journey to prove his manhood by sleeping with many women.  For him, infidelity wasn’t about the sex, but rather as a response from his undealt childhood trauma.

Sexual Addiction

Sometimes affairs happen as a result of compulsive behavior.  Both obsessions and distractions serve to distract away from the real problem that is bothering someone.  As a result, one way to stop such obsessions and compulsions is to ask, “what am I trying to avoid facing by having to do these behaviors?”  Naturally, these affairs tend to be sexually driven, involving little to no emotional investment and may be rationalized as harmless.

There are many other common reasons why affairs happen that are discussed in my How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop.

How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop

According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage! The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority. In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.

For additional booking information, please contact our office.

Next blog post: Signs of Infidelity

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Note: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog (i.e. case studies or relationship examples) have been significantly altered and changed to protect their privacy and identity.

What Do You Think?

Give us your feedback on this post or on Twitter @cesargamez

1) How happy is happy enough to prevent extramarital temptation?

2) Do you think infidelity is truly due to boredom or something deeper?

While I was at lunch with some friends this week, the Tiger Woods scandal came up during our conversation. Everybody at the table had their own views, thoughts, opinions and reactions to yet another wealthy, powerful, well-known public figure admitting to having an extramarital affair.  LA Lakers’ superstar Kobe Bryant, former President Bill Clinton, David Letterman and former Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards are just a few names in a growing line of celebrities/politicians who have had their affairs exposed publicly.

But why do people have affairs? What type of person has affairs? What are the various forms of infidelity? What are some of the most common signs of infidelity?  Most importantly, how does one recover after infidelity and what steps can be taken in order to affair proof your relationship?  These are some of the questions I would like to address in upcoming blog posts.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

Noel Biderman, President of The Ashley Madison Agency®, which caters to men and women who are currently in relationships but are looking for more, boasts that over two and a half million have joined their site.  The dating service even comes with an affair guarantee program.  Their slogan is simple: LIFE IS SHORT, HAVE AN AFFAIR.™

Infidelity statistics

- 22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.

- 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.

- Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.

- 70 percent of  married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses’ extramarital activity.

- 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.

- 90 percent of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong.

- 50 percent of Americans say President Clinton’s adultery makes his moral standard “about the same as the average married man,” according to a Time-CNN poll.

- 61 percent of Americans thought adultery should not be a crime in the United states; 35 percent thought it should; 4 percent had no opinion.

- 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity.

Source: Associated Press

FORMS OF INFIDELITY

Infidelity can take on several different forms including emotional, sequential affairs, discrete events or serious extramarital relationships.

Emotional Infidelity

Affairs can have an element of emotional intensity and involvement without a sexual relationship.  Some people call it an “office romance” where intentional flirting blurs the line between behavior that is deemed appropriate and inappropriate.  Emotional infidelity has an element of self-investment that promotes closeness and the euphoric notion of forbidden specialness.

Sequential Affairs

Some people have a series of one-night stands or a series of short-term affairs.  Due to the low level of emotional investment that often accompany these disposable encounters, the behavior is often rationalized as harmless.  As a result, a pattern of infidelity can develop and last for several years before it is discovered.

Discrete Events

These types of affairs share some things in common with sequential affairs; however, the affair tends to be triggered by a life change and external circumstances (i.e. going to prison, serving in the military, etc).  Discrete event affairs are often seen with people who travel often to the same cities.  Some people report forming new relationships long distance with the understanding that the affair is limited to the event (i.e. traveling business man developing a relationship in a city where his business takes him several times a year).

Serious Extramarital Relationships

These affairs tend to be quite involved, romantic and sexual.  Many times short-term affairs last longer and evolve into serious extramarital relationships that may last for years.  These relationships tend to be emotionally involved and therefore its intimacy transcends the physical and sexual allure.  Because these types of affairs are often meeting multiple needs on multiple levels; they tend to be the most difficult to end for some people.

Next series post: Why Affairs Happen?

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

How To Affair Proof Your Marriage Workshop

According to Peggy Vaughan, the author of “The Monogamy Myth,” 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage!  The concept of monogamy and marital fidelity to the original vows are ideals embraced by a growing minority.  In the How To Affair Proof your Marriage Workshop, Cesar will address why affairs happen, common signs of infidelity, common reactions to infidelity, ways to being the healing process after infidelity and specific ways to affair proof your marriage.

For additional booking information, please contact our office.