When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough

During our family vacation this year, I picked up a copy of the book, When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough.  It caught my attention because I have not seen very many titles addressing the issue of perfectionism.  To tell you the truth, for many years I have rationalized, minimized and relabeled my own perfectionistic tendencies and inner struggles.  I’ve described myself as a person who is driven to excellence, passionate or as someone who cares about quality.  While there is an element of truth to those descriptions, hidden between those words has been a noticeable presence of subclinical perfectionistic ideals and standards that over the years I’ve had to challenge and change.  So whenever an individual comes to my office, it’s fairly easy for me to spot those perfectionistic tendencies as they begin sharing with me their life struggles.  But have you ever wondered what is the difference between having appropriately high standards versus suffering from perfectionism?

In his Psychology Today article, psychiatrist David Burns defined perfectionists as people “whose standards are high beyond reach or reason” and “who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their own worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment” (2).  According to Martin Anthony, Ph.D. and Richard Swinson, MD., there are several factors that measure the appropriateness about performance including the excessiveness of the standard (i.e. is this an attainable and realistic goal?), the accuracy of the belief (i.e. must this standard be met?), the cost and benefits of imposing the standard (i.e. is it helpful or beneficial for me to have this belief or standard?) and the flexibility of the standard (i.e. can I adjust and change if and when necessary?) (1).

Silvia was a 32-year-old mother of two who struggled with clinical perfectionism.  From the moment she would wake up, she would have a running “to-do” list on the back of her mind.  Her routine was so predictable and extensive that any little interruption (i.e. salesman at the door, phone call and even from her children) would throw her into anger outbursts.  Daily, she would vacuum the house, change bed sheets, pick up toys, work on the yard, wash dishes, workout, make dinner, put the kids to bed and so on.  In fact, with tears in her eyes, she confessed to me that, if for some reason she would fall behind doing her chores, she would resume her duties after putting the kids in bed – meaning she would wash her windows till 2 AM.

Susanna was a 19-year-old college student who made it a habit to write all of her assignments in pencil saying, “That way I can erase if I make mistake.” She had a difficult time making decisions out of fear she might make the wrong one.  Even though she was a high achiever, she would often procrastinate work assignments out of fear she might do them imperfectly and then fail.

Lilyan was a 24-year-old single woman who was afraid of germs.  If she went out, she would plan her day around her perceived restroom needs because she would not allow herself to use public restrooms.  “Can you imagine how many millions of germs are in the doorknobs alone?” she would say with a tone of concern in her voice.  Lilyan would compulsively wash her hands because, in her perfectionistic thinking, doing so would mean avoiding contamination and potential death.

“A person who has perfectionistic thoughts about cleanliness may have excessive beliefs that are inaccurate, inflexible and cause more harm than good” (ibid).  For example, it is expected that a surgeon would wash his hands throughly before a procedure.  This scenario demands that his standards of cleanliness are raised; however, that same surgeon may lower his standards of cleanliness if he and his family camp in the wilderness for several days.  Although not preferable, a non-perfectionistic thinker would tolerate being less than clean and thus demonstrate flexibility in the midst of imperfect circumstances.

Areas Prone to Perfectionism

Work and School

• Do you become angry and frustrated when employees arrive a few minutes late?
• Do you spend too much time doing a task – often checking and rechecking it?
• Do you demand perfect performance from your employees or team members?
• Are you constantly pushing your employees to do more, go faster, reach farther?
• Do you have difficulty giving praise without also pointing out areas where growth is needed?
• Do you experience depression and changes in mood that last longer than a week if you get less than an A on your report card?
• Do you have a hard time delegating because you feel others won’t do as good of a job?

Neatness and Aesthetics

• Have people commented about your rigid beliefs as to what looks good?
• Do you have conflict with a roommate, friend or spouse because they are not cleaning to your standards?
• Do you have a need to organize and categorize things in a particular way (i.e. color, texture, shape, etc)?
• Do you make constant lists?

Physical Appearance

• Do you have rigid views and standards about weight, body image, fashion, clothing and make-up?
• Do you spend hours getting ready?
• Do you have a difficult time picking outfits because you’re looking for “just the right one,” even if it’s an ordinary day?
• Have you ever ended relationships because there was something “wrong” with them (i.e. their nose, their voice, their laughter, etc)?

Health and Personal Cleanliness

• Do you sometimes restrict food intake if you feel that eating what’s being offered would be to compromise your health standards?
• Do you obsess about organic and “pure” foods?
• Do you struggle with over-exercising?
• Do you avoid some electronics out of fear of radiation?
• Do you wash your hands excessively or take multiple showers in a day?

The problem with perfectionism is that it tends to suck the joy out of meaningful endeavors.  A previously enjoyed instrument becomes a source of conflict in a family when perfect performance is demanded with every practice.  A previously enjoyed sport becomes a painful chore when perfectionistic beliefs by the athlete, the coach or the parents become the standard whereby approval is given or denied.  What was once a desire suddenly becomes a duty.  You see, there is a difference between perfectionism and excellence.  Perfectionism is rooted in the fear of failure while excellence is rooted in personal passion. Have you lost your passion?

If you suspect you may struggle with perfectionism, getting help and information is a good step towards addressing the issue.  You may want to pick up a copy of “When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough.”  Also, depending on the severity, inflexibility or interference of your beliefs and behaviors, you may consider visiting a licensed professional counselor in your area.  The danger with perfectionism is that it tends to spill into multiple areas of life such as relationships, commitments, career, school and even our “down time.”  In some cases, perfectionism shows up as a personality trait (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder), not just in obsessive and compulsive behaviors.  Maybe it’s time you challenge your own perfectionistic tendencies.  Take a risk today!

Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, MA., All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

Note: The names and identifying characteristics of the people discussed in this blog (i.e. case studies or relationship examples) have been significantly altered and changed to protect their privacy and identity.

References

1. Anthony, Martin M., Ph.D., & Swinson, Richard P., MD. (2009). When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 12-13.

2. Burns, D. D. 1980. The perfectionist’s script for self-defeat. Psychology Today, November 34-57.

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