Can You Tell Him/Her What You Really Think?
A battle ship was on exercise at sea in bad weather. The captain was on the bridge. It was foggy. Just after dark the look out spotted a light on the starboard side. The captain asked if it was steady or moving. The look out replied the light was steady meaning they were on direct collision course with that ship! The captain ordered the lookout signal to the other ship
‘Change course 20 degrees. We are on collision course.’
The signal came back ‘Advisable for you to change course.’
The captain signalled ‘I am a captain. Change course 20 degrees.’
‘I am a seaman second class. You had better change course 20 degrees’ came the reply.
The captain was furious. He sent back ‘ I am a battleship. Change course!’
Back came the signal ‘I am a lighthouse!‘
The captain changed course.
Like the ship captain, I find that many people in relationships do speak up when facing a problem. But depending on the circusmtances and the person we’re addressing, we may do a lot of speaking accompanied by intense emotions like anger, fear, and anxiety. We may use intimidation tactics to force people to either draw close to us or to stay away from us. We are constantly speaking through verbal and non-verbal messages, and when something is wrong, you can be sure that in one way or another, we are sending a message to the world around us that something is amiss.
While we do a lot of speaking, I don’t know if we do a lot of communicating. I grew up in a household where my step-father used a lot of anger, force and intimidation to get his point across. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I began to realize that his anger was a secondary emotion. By that I mean that his violent reactions were like the tip of an iceberg. Once I began to look below the surface of his anger, I discovered the real emotions he masked through his rage. Deep down he was a lonely man, disappointed with life and emotionally bankrupt. Hurting people, like my step-father, not only hurt themselves – they end up also hurting others. In his case, the real issue wasn’t anger. It was the hurt and frustration he felt on the inside that, for whatever reason, caused him to have difficulty articulating how we as a family could come along side of him and begin the process of meeting his needs.
A lot of times, couples use similar ineffective tactics. In their efforts to communicate with each other, rather than stating the problem, they project, deflect, minimize or rationalize relationship problems. In fact, I believe that one of the greatest culprits behind many dysfunctional relationships is that at least one of the two partners has not taken the time to identify problematic cycles or behavioral patterns in their own life. Therefore, by not giving the problem a voice (whether it be fear of intimacy, dysfunctional codependent attachments, possessiveness or jealousy) and addressing the issue, a person ends up replicating those dysfunctional patterns in future relationships. What I’m saying is that in some cases, for some people, the answer for a better, healthier, happier relationship may not necessarily be starting fresh with a new face, but rather facing the truth about the problematic baggage in their existing relationship.
An article published by Psychology Today stated the following:
An astonishing 75% of the broken-hearted get married all over again. And if you count among the remarried those who merge lives and households without legal ratification, the de facto remarriage rate is even higher… Yet a whopping 60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages… If divorce and remarriage rates prove one thing, it is that conventional wisdom is wrong: When it comes to remarriage, experience doesn’t count. A prior marriage actually decreases the odds of a second marriage working. (1)
The Barna group also published an interesting article, “Born Again Adults Less Likely to Co-Habit, Just as Likely to Divorce.”
I created the S.H.O.W. U.P. communication method because I believe that thriving relationships require adults to step up and show up to the plate in order to attend to the relationship and to each other. Healthy relationships are never established on autopilot. Although stating the problem may sound like an obvious step in interpersonal communication, if we were to make an honest assessment of our current and past relationships, we may discover that this is a step we may have been overlooking.
What If I Speak Up and SHOW UP But He/She Doesn’t Reciprocate?
Like the story about the ship, many couples find themselves in an ongoing cycle of what I call a “verbal tug of war,” where points are tallied and kept to signal a temporary power differential in the relationship. Like the captain, we end up making demands that our needs be met, that our problem is addressed or that the issues that matter most to us be taken seriously and with concern from our girlfriend or husband. Once we muster up the courage to do something about our situation and initiate the process of communicating, we may discover that the other person may be either unwilling or incapable of giving us what we want.
A perfectionistic father may never acknowledge your growth and accomplishments or accept them as good enough. You may never get his stamp of approval or his blessing.
A controlling mother may still send you messages like: Jump higher. Run faster. Don’t be lazy – be productive. Do something with your hair!”
An spouse may continue to be physically present for dinner or family gatherings but emotionally absent from the conversations or even in bed.
A boyfriend may never express or display faithfulness, respect and value of who you are as a woman.
Now, in some cases stating the problem may be as simple as making a request like, “Can you please put the toilet seat down after you’re done?” or “Can you please remember to squeeze the toothpate from the bottom of the tube rather than from the middle?“ Unless the couple is already in high conflict with each other, these types of requests are not likely to escalate into a dsyfucntional dance; however, there are other requests that are even more important because they have to do with our values, our worldview and our worth.
The invitation to state the problem is to consider what your relationships would look like if you began talking about the real issues that are getting in the way of your happiness and intimacy. At the end fo the day, your partner will either S.H.O.W. U.P. by respecting your feelings and responding to your requests for change or will H.I.D.E. O.U.T. (more on that later), walking away from the truthfulness of your moment.
If that were to happen, you’ll be left with grief. You’ll be left with hurt and pain, but you will no longer walk in the illusion that you have a relationship that cares about the core issues of your soul. Instead, you will step into the reality of the condition of your existing relationship. This is what it means to SHOW UP and taking the first step towards reclaiming the life you want and securing the quality relationships you choose to invite into your life. Should he/she reciprocate, tune-in and validate your words, then you have the opportunity to take the next step in this process. The next step is the content of my next blog post.
Copyright © 2009 Cesar G. Gamez, MA., All Rights Reserved.
This post is part one of the S.H.O.W. U.P. blog series. Related articles include…
References
(1) http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200003/divorced
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