Emotional Silence Can Ruin Your Relationship
Imagine that every morning as you wake up, you are given one red balloon in the palm of your hand. Your job is to manage, regulate and control your balloon. The purpose of this balloon is to hold your emotions throughout the day. And so as you go about your day and experience a myriad of emotions – you blow into the balloon.
When you sense you’re running late, when your hair isn’t cooperating with your curling iron, as you get in the car and get stuck in traffic, as you get to school or the office and are confronted with tasks, deadlines and upcoming projects that demand more of your time and efforts; these are all examples of experiences that are likely to evoke an emotional reaction causing you to blow air into the balloon. By the time you drive home from school or work at the end of the day, your emotional tank (red balloon) is ready to blow up. And so you may do just that.
A loved one might say something small, and your reaction might be to either explode or implode. If you have a limited set of positive coping skills that would ensure your air pressure is being regulated and deflated appropriately, then chances are very high that either your balloon will blow up, or you’ll do something to rid yourself from it all.
You unclasp your fingers and watch the balloon fly around the room in a loud, chaotic, uncomfortable and unpredictable manner. You numb out. You distract. You sweep your emotions under the rug.
The reasons why so many people do not like feeling their feelings is because they have not developed the proper skills to handle their red balloon.
• “If I let myself feel angry, I’ll lose it and blow up.”
• “If I let myself grieve, I’m afraid that I’ll never stop crying.”
• “If I let myself feel, I will feel vulnerable and out of control.”
Subconsciously, sometimes we create rules for ourselves such as:
• “I will cry but never around others. They can’t see my tears.”
• “I will cry but apologize for doing so. I wouldn’t want them judging me.”
• “I will not get angry or frustrated, but if I do, I’ll talk back to the devil and tell him to leave me alone!”
• “I will be happy, positive, cheerful and wear a permanent smile. I wouldn’t want to bum other people with my troubles.”
But these rules seldom, if ever, really work for us. In the end, living by those rules is like unclasping our fingers, watching the balloon dance in mid-air and then making an attempt to catch it before it completely deflates.
That is no easy task!
In fact, it’s an embarrassing task.
It’s no wonder those of us who have tried it were left feeling weak and awkward around our own emotions.
Partners S.H.O.W. U.P. in relationships not only by engaging their heads but also by engaging their hearts. Healthy relationships cannot be done from a distance or void of feelings because emotions are the music to your attachment bond. The more openly and honestly you share your feelings within the context of a safe and secure relationship, the more oneness and intimacy you both will experience.
Have you ever met couples who have logical reasons for staying together but yet one of them chooses to walk away? I’ve seen married couples with a partner who deliberately walks from their children, financial commitments and marital vows, giving reasons such as, “she makes me feel alive,” or “I’ve fallen out of love.” You see, affairs are not about sexual excitement, newness or compatibility. Affairs are often about meeting emotional needs that have gone unmet, unnoticed and unaddressed in the existing relationship.
Step #6 of the SHOW UP strategy is to Put Words to Your Feelings. If you are functioning from an internal places that tells yourself, “crying makes you weak” or “emotions are just for chicks,” I say break the rules and risk being vulnerable within the context of relationships that matter most to you!
Some of the most powerful emotional phrases you can say to someone today are…
• “I love you.”
• “I forgive you.”
• “I’m sorry.”
• “I’m proud of you.”
• “I believe in you.”
• “I’m committed.”
In my experience, emotional silence can ruin relationships. Statistics show that a larger percentage of women initiate marital counseling over men. Why is that? Typically speaking, men seem to have a hard time expressing and experiencing a wide array of emotions without feeling like they have to turn in their man card in the process. But it’s not just men who struggle with emotional silence, many women also struggle sharing their genuine feelings often times masking them with their mother role, busyness, complete submissiveness, inner/outward stubbornness, passive-aggressiveness, addictions, perfectionism, eating disorders, becoming the peacemaker in the home or the “Mary Kay” syndrome (looking good on the outside but feeling terrible on the inside).
Communication Exercise For Couples
On a scale 1 (lowest) to 10 (highest), how connected do we each feel towards each other?
What’s happened in our life and our relationship that has brought us to this level of emotional connectedness?
What is one thing we each can do to raise this number?
What is my biggest emotional need right now? Are you willing to meet that need?
Copyright © 2009. Cesar G. Gamez, MA., All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
S.H.O.W. U.P. highlights six communication principles that are present in healthy relationships. Mutual respect and overall partner responsiveness are the goal of this technique. Because I want to give each point the emphasis it deserves, I will be posting each of them in separate blog posts in the next few days. By the way, if you have not subscribed to my blog, be sure to do it today either via e-mail or rss feed.
H – coming soon
O – coming soon
W – coming soon
U- coming soon
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Cesar,
I absolutely love the analogy you have developed here with the red balloon. I think that provides an excellent visualization of how our emotional energy can build up (often outside of our contact with our spouse) and then either blow up or deflate with even a little stimuli.
If our spouses had the whole picture, they could see that their small stimulus wasn’t the root cause of an overreaction and forgiveness would be much easier. And if we realize this ourselves (as the one who blows up), that could be even more valuable.