For a lot of tweens and adolescents, their music choices are not just about personal taste but about self-discovery, autonomy and identity development. However, music is not just about the beat, it’s also about the lyrics, and those lyrics may be impacting your child’s values, behaviors and self-image.

Teenagers are smart and they are aware of what’s appropriate and what’s likely to raise their parent’s eyebrows. Whether they choose to act on the messages being pounded on their head through their headphones or not is up to them, but it’s safe to say that the more exposure your child has to sexually explicit lyrics, the harder it may be for him/her to resist temptation.

I believe we fail as parents when we lay-down the law with blanket statements such as, “stop listening to this music because I said so,” “I just don’t like your music,” or “turn that off!” and don’t go the extra mile in teaching our children how to think for themselves.

When we coach our child to develop critical thinking skills on all aspects of life, not just music selection, we gain the opportunity to instill our values and share our views in a non-shaming, intelligent and welcoming manner.

In fact, let me show you three of the top 10 most downloadable songs on iTunes as of today. Chances are high that your teenager either knows these songs or has these songs on his iPod.

Let me encourage you to look over the following music videos and go through each of the questions under the conversation starter list with your teenager.  What you both discover through this process may surprise you both.

• What’s the core message of this song?
• How is this music video portraying women?
• What does this music video say about guy/girl relationships?
• What does this music video say about how a guy is supposed to think and act?
• What does this music video say about sex, love, commitment, my body, my relationship with God & my relationship with others?
• Ranking this music video on a 10 point scale with 0 being “this song does not match my views, my values or the direction I want for my life,” to 10 being “this song absolutely matches my views, my values and the direction I want for my life,” where would you rank it? Are you surprised by your answer? Why or why not?

When I was about 9 years of age I saw my cousin get hit by a car. This was one of those moments when time felt as if it was placed in slow motion. I remember we were both playing outside in the middle of a residential street. I remember crossing to the other side, turning around and signaling to my cousin to wait as I saw a green truck quickly approaching our direction. But being the little dare devil that he was, he decided to take his chances against the moving green truck.

My cousin John is a couple years younger than I am and because of our age difference I always felt the need to protect him. On this day however, I failed him miserably, or so I told myself for many years.

The truck was not able to stop in time.

::: heart beat ::: ::: heart beat ::: and then a deep breath which I held until I felt someone’s hands on my shoulders.

The front bumper hit his upper body which was thrown about 10 feet up in the air and rolled an additional 20-30 feet in front of the truck.

For years, I could smell the rubber, close my eyes and see the pattern of the tire marks on the asphalt. I stood there in disbelief as I heard screams coming out of the house that were rushing towards his damaged body.

He survived but for the longest time, I played the “if only…” game.

If only I had not crossed the street…
If only I had decided for us to play indoors rather than outdoors.
If only I had more persuasively urged him to stay on his side of the street…
If only…

I am convinced that one of the things that keeps us emotionally, relationally and spiritually stuck is this type of mental gymnastics. We’ve bought into the lie that ruminating, carefully studying past events or rehearsing what we wish we had said after the fact could perhaps better equip us for the next time. We convince ourselves that reviewing these mental tapes will prevent future hurt, rejection or loss.

Yet, no matter how much we strategize our worry, many of us end up jobless, childless, spouseless or joyless. Maybe you can empathize with the man who gets anxious about dropping off his resume at a new place because doing so reminds him of what it felt like to hear those dreaded words, “we’re gonna have to let you go.”

Maybe you can empathize with the couple who isn’t ready to give up on the idea of becoming parents but who’s pain from their recent miscarriage injects them with fear, anger and insecurities about trying again.

The truth is that so many of us live in the regrets of the past or the anticipation of the future and it’s keeping us from fully showing up in our present.

What about you?

• What past life events are defining your present and dictating your future?
• Who are the people and what are the circumstances that have kept you from dreaming, trying or risking again?
• When will you give yourself permission to put down the internal remote control that keeps replying certain life moments and triggers your deepest “if only” moments?
• What’s been a green truck moment in your life?

Image credit: Clare Carver

The man at the Starbucks drive thru window called me “friend” while handing me a tall white chocolate mocha and it got me thinking about how much the word “friend” has depreciated in value.  Over the years, we’ve coined different ways of saying something similar whether it’d be “subscribers,” “friends” or “followers.”  So many of us live disconnected, isolated and distant from genuine personal friendships.  You know, the kind that gets down and dirty when we’re hurting or claps when we’ve succeeded.  The kind of friendship that Anne of Green Gables referred to as “kindred spirits.”  The type of friend who knows more than mere data about you but one who is also aware of your hopes, your dreams, your worries and pet peeves.  For many of us, Digi-friends have become our new accepted norm of companionship and connectedness.  Part of the attraction is that Digi-friendships are low maintenance.  Keep reposting tweets, leaving comments on their blog or liking status updates and you can maintain a digi-relationship for quite some time.  Digi-friends involve little risk and the element of rejection is significantly diminished.  Counseling and serving families through my church has opened my eyes to the realization that many of today’s families lack a sense of community, identification and belonging.

I love social media.  I am in no way suggesting that all digital friendships are always bad, evil or unhealthy.  They are not.  But the man at the drive thru window challenged me to reclaim the value that the word friendship carries in my own life.

What about you?  When was the last time you sat with a real life friend during a life storm?  When was the last time you laughed so hard that your stomachs hurt?  When was the last time you sat, cried and listened – really listened?  What have you noticed about your own relationships?  Do you have a kindred spirit?

Leave me your comments…
(or else our friendship is over!) :)

Image credit: Sam Javanrouh captured a special moment of this homeless man on queen street west, downtown toronto.

I came across this video and felt it was worth sharing.  Being alone can be challenging.  Sitting in silence in a house where the only other heart beat is that of a pet can be both comforting and disheartening at the same time depending on your life season and your present desire for human connection.  I admit, there have been some periods in my life where I’ve craved silence and aloneness and other times where having too much of either was both distracting and destructive.

I’ve been married for over 13 years and together we have two young children at home who demand much of our energy and attention.  I don’t have much silence in my life unless I plan it.  Because of the nature of my job, I am constantly around people whether it be counseling, ministering, serving, listening, teaching or leading.  I also don’t have much alone time in my life but I value it enough to schedule it.

My wife does an incredible job allowing me to have some “me time.”  I read a chapter or two while sitting alone in a coffee shop.  I go for a long ride by myself to think, brainstorm or simply clear my head.  I’ve gone to the movies by myself and quite frankly I like it.  I enjoy spending time with myself.

Jesus certainly saw the value of spending time away from the crowds and carving out time for silent prayer and aloneness (Matthew 14:22, 23; Mark 6:45, 46 and John 6:14, 15).  This is something my friend Rob, therapist at Remuda Ranch, has been challenging me to think about.  Recently Rob went away to his secret spot in the Arizona desert where he camped out, spent time journaling, praying, reading and reflecting on life.  He gained perspective and came back both refreshed and refocused.  I need to do that more often.

What about you?  Are you okay being alone?  Are you intentionally scheduling time away to rejuvenate and restore your balance, vision and passion?  How full is your emotional cup?  Do you find yourself living and giving out of a nearly empty cup?  If so, will you take a moment to plan some time for yourself in the upcoming week?

By now, it’s safe to say that your child is back into the swing of school.  Within less than a week from the beginning of a new academic year; I was asked a question that inspired this post: “What if I don’t like my teenager’s friends?”

“What if he picks up bad habits like drinking, smoking ciggs or pot?!”

“If she starts dressing like her friends, then she’ll get a reputation and she’ll attract boys that are only after one thing.”

“What if those friends bring him down?”

“What if those girls end up being a distraction and a bad influence?”

Does that sound familiar?

I get it.  I’m also a parent.  My first-grader (who is far from perfect but who is still nonetheless daddy’s little girl) often times challenges us to resharpen our parenting skills.  She comes home attempting new behaviors that she mimics from classmates.  She also quickly learns what her parents will deem cute and what’s likely to get her in trouble.

The truth is that you can’t decide who your child becomes friends with; however, you can impact your child’s decisions by teaching him values and also by monitoring his social circle. Birds of a feather may flock together but they don’t necessarily have to do so without your knowledge and your influence.

Have you clearly communicated to your children your family rules and guidelines about friendship and social activities?  Here is a helpful list of important conversation starters to consider using when defining your own family’s expectations.

• List the important qualities you value in a friend.
• What have you done to maintain friendships over the years?
• What things do you admire in close family friends?
• Is it okay to have friends that have a different cultural background, ethnicity, religious views, financial status or sexual orientation?  Why or why not?
• How much freedom will your children have as they get older?  Will curfew stay the same or will it change at some point?
• Are your friends likely to help you or hurt you spiritually?
• What’s your family’s strategy should a friendship become toxic?
• Are there any special rules for friends who are of the opposite sex?
• How much time will be deemed appropriate to spend nurturing friendships both online and offline?

So I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this topic.  What’s working for you when it comes to helping your teenager make wise choices regarding friendships?

image credit: copyright ©2009 sam javanrouh